Tergvinder's Stone
One time my friend Tergvinder brought a large round boulder into his living room. He rolled it up the steps with the help of some two-by-fours, and when he got it out into the middle of the room, where some people have coffee tables (though he had never had one there himself) he left it. He said that was where it belonged.
It is really a plain-looking stone. Not as large as Plymouth Rock by a great deal, but then it does not have all the claims of a big shaky promotion campaign to support. That was one of the things Tergvinder said about it. He made no claims at all for it, he said. It was other people who called it Tergvinder's Stone. All he said was that according to him it belonged there.
His dog took to peeing on it, which created a problem (Tergvinder had not moved the carpet before he got the stone to where he said it belonged). Their tomcat took to squirting it too. His wife fell over it quite often at first and it did not help their already strained marriage. Tergvinder said there was nothing to be done about it. It was in the order of things. That was a phrase he seldom employed, and never when he conceived that there was any room left for doubt.
He confided in me that he often woke in the middle of the night, troubled by the ancient, nameless ills of the planet, and got up quietly not to wake his wife, and walked through the house naked, without turning on any lights. He said that at such times he found himself listening, listening, aware of how some shapes in the darkness emitted low sounds like breathing, as they never did by day. He said he had become aware of a hole in the darkness in the middle of the living room, and out of that hole a breathing, a mournful dissatisfied sound of an absence waiting for what belonged to it, for something it had never seen and could not conceive of, but without which it could not rest. It was a sound, Tergvinder said, that touched him with fellow-feeling, and he had undertaken - oh, without saying anything to anybody - to assuage, if he could, that wordless longing that seemed always on the verge of despair. How to do it was another matter, and for months he had circled the problem, night and day, without apparently coming any closer to a solution. Then one day he had seen the stone. It had been there all the time at the bottom of his drive, he said, and he had never really seen it. Never recognized it for what it was. The nearer to the house he had got it, the more certain he had become. The stone had rolled into its present place like a lost loved one falling into arms that have long ached for it.
Tergvinder says that now on nights when he walks through the dark house he comes and stands in the living room doorway and listens to the peace in the middle of the floor. He knows it size, its weight, the touch of it, something of what is thought of it. He knows that it is peace. As he listens, some hint of that peace touches him too. Often, after a while, he steps down into the living room and goes and kneels beside the stone and they converse for hours in silence - a silence broken only by the sound of his own breathing.
W. S. Merwin
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I first read this little gem over 50 years ago when in college. I have carried it in my thoughts for all these years. I too had an empty spot that needed a stone. In time all absences will be filled and your stone will come to you.
ReplyDeleteIt's bringing something from the depths to symbolize your longing. And only truth is that deep, whether or not you've found it, you know it's there.
ReplyDeleteI first read this in the late 80s as a young English major. I have autism, but because of the time into which I was born, I had neither words nor understanding of my way of perceiving things. I could never understand the difference between image poetry, theoretical mathematics, and improvisational music. They were the same to me, like a kind of contextual colorblindness. I gravitated to this poem, I think, because it had a weight to it like the one I carried in being inexplicably and irresolvably different from anyone around me. It is a loneliness all its own, and this poem helped me take that into myself and learn to relate to and cherish it. I had gone into college to study higher mathematics, but left university needing to be a writer for the rest of my life. I suppose, in a way, Merwin, like other favorite poets, ruined me for anything but writing. I carried his poem with me from that day to this. It's been more than thirty years. Not a bad ruination. Whatever it is that rests in the center of my life, my synesthetic autism, others still do not understand. That's fine. It's easier than training an earthly boyfriend, and we never have to fight about the covers.
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